Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
