sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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