Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
