We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
