some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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