Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
