Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
