my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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