The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
