i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
