he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize