My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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