i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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