I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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