Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
