I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
