At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
