hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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