That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
