I just pynch a tree in the face
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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