i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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