your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
