The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
