Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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