i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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