Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize