We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
