we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
