I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
