why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
