I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
