How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
