I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
