i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
