i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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