I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
