i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
