Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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