a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
