I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
