I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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