There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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