Ambien. No doubt about it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
