He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
