I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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