If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
