also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
