Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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