White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize