i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
