How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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