What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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