Having a random hookup so left but love u
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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