He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
