i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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