I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
