In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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